• Clearing and Healing Shame

Clearing. Constantly clearing. Clearing and "cleaning" (aka Ho'oponopono) are normal, daily activities for me now. The more I practice, the better I get.

When emotions arise that I do not like and do not serve my highest good, I work to first listen to the messages they are telling me - whatever it is I need to say or do or be - and then I work to first fully accept and love the emotion; to learn from it if there is a lesson within; and to then clear it. I clear it various ways: sometimes I need to dance it out or run it out while coming into my full power; other times I use EFT (tapping) and positive affirmations; sometimes I journal about it and get more clarity as I write; and still other times I use yoga, meditation or drumming to help me move on.

Whatever the situation is, I consciously work t-h-r-o-u-g-h it now. I don't condemn the emotion, I don't deny it, I don't fear it, I don't chastise it; I accept it, love it, listen to it, clear it, and move on.

Once I am clear, then I can take the action that was the message behind the emotion. But not before I'm clear. Otherwise, I am reacting to the emotion instead of taking action from my true Self -- from my seat of true inner power -- and only a negative result, equal to the negativity of the emotion - can come about. When I clear the emotion first, I then handle the situation from a higher place, and can only get results that serve my (and everyone else's) highest good.

One fine example of clearing came up this past week. I kept noticing a negative feeling around the state of something that, for simplicity's sake, I will label a "messy house." This feeling was nothing new, but was *was* new was my keen observation of it. I separated the feeling from the physical situation that triggered it -- as no situation ever causes an emotion; it only triggers that which you already have within you -- and decided I was going to deal with the emotion. Now. Not later. Now.

I started to write. The more I wrote, the more clarity I got. The more clarity I got, the more I was able to see how this simple emotion - a feeling of shame - has traveled with me along this road of life, attaching itself to various things along the way and expressing itself through unconscious behaviors that my mind then looked at and called "bad" and "shameful."

In a way, I was was shocked. It wasn't until I started working through it all that I realized that a) the feeling I didn't like was clearly "shame"; 2) my mind (a.k.a. ego) was attaching this "shame" to what modern society would label a "messy house" (yet which many happy families would call a "normal house" and what my highest self wouldn't even notice!) and has been attached to this situation for YEARS; and 3) in the past, "shame" was attached to what I can now call disordered eating for many, many years during high school and college.

The "shame" -- the emotion, the negative energy -- took on one form during my teen years, then subsided for a bit, and then stealthily reappeared in another form as an emotion attached to what I like to call "the location of various objects located within my house."

There was no remedy for the physical situation in either case. I could "fix" the physical eating during my high school years, but it would always return because the shame was the real issue, and I could clean my house ten thousand times, but it would always get messy again because, again, the messy house is not the issue, it's the shame.

When I came to this big realization, I did what I've needed to do for years and years and years, and I just started to clear the shame, and to make it fully understood by my heart and mind that this shame in no way needs to come back. The journaling took me to the clarity of understanding it; after that, I started tapping (EFT) and using positive affirmations (this is the EFT youtube video I followed) to allow my body to release it. I cried a lot and journaled some more and listened to music that spoke to me in that moment and helped me wallow IN the shame so that I could FULLY love and accept it, and slowly but surely, the clouds of shame cleared and the light of love was able to come through again.

At that point, I stated my clear intention that this shame would never take over me again. I would remain vigilant about it, and note that if it showed up, I would simply tell it to go away; I would say, "I'm dropping you like a bad habit, shame. Get out of here." In the few days since my clearing, I've done this several times, and every time, it's disappeared before it even had a chance to get its foot firmly in the door.

So now, as it stands, my house still has various objects in various locations all over the place. I don't feel mad or glad about it. It is a non-issue. I know I'd enjoy putting everything in its home because then it's easier to function, it's more fun to be able to find all the pieces to my kids' race cars, for example, when they are all in one place. But it's not necessary for happiness and I do not want it to any longer influence how I feel emotionally.

This is getting long I realize, but there is one more neat event that helped bring this into clarity. Last weekend, I was able to fold and put away about 10 loads of clean laundry that had literally piled up in the living room and had been there for weeks. After I finished, I was absolutely ELATED. I was so proud, so happy, so totally on Cloud 9 -- and yet, I knew something was wrong. Sure, it was nice to be able to have the kids get matching socks out of their sock drawer instead of digging through piles to find a matching pair, but still...why was I SO happy? I wasn't feeling that unconditional Joy of Being -- I was feeling proud of my success; I was giving myself one grand "Good Job!" and a pat on the back. It sounds all dandy, but whenever there is that one-sided ego-related "congrats!" then there is always an opposite side to that coin. In this case, it meant that a pile of laundry in the living room for two months is BAD. Hence, putting the laundry away was GOOD. Both emotions - the good and the bad - I realized, were stemming from that same place: Shame.When I put the laundry away, I buried the shame - but I didn't heal and love and clear it. I just covered it up for a while.

(For an example of this, view my post from January 26. Yes, I cleared myself before I physically cleaned the house, but I don't think I specifically cleared the shame. Or maybe I wasn't as clear as I thought. Perhaps if I were truly clear, the mess and the tidiness wouldn't have been issues at all?!?! Or maybe I *did* clear, but didn't actively work afterward to stay clear?!?! At any rate, the "mess" did return after a couple weeks - and it was almost intentional. I could see myself letting the items reappear about the house, and yet I almost *willed* them to reappear. Like I needed it for something.... Well, I can over-analyze this forever, but let's move on.)

In a way, this whole bit about dealing with the underlying emotion of a physical situation is nothing new. Psychology talks about it all the time. But for me it was a breakthrough in realizing that I don't have to FIX anything or spend years in counseling figuring out "Why do I feel this? What caused it? Who is 'responsible?'"

Truth is, we may never consciously recall who or what made such an impression on us that it programmed a certain emotion and reaction into our being. Instead, we only need to love and clear the emotions that block out the light of unconditional love, and in time, the physical reality will fall in line with the true feelings of Joy.

• A Penny for my Thoughts

It feels like there is SO much I want to write about... I'm hit with inspiration during the day, when my hands are full and my life is on "full speed ahead" mode, but it's not usually till nighttime that I sit down and write, focusing on the thoughts and feelings of earlier in the day or week or month that I want to expand upon.

As of late, I've been focusing on sensing the division between consciousness and thought. My Consciousness is who I Am; if my body were to stop functioning right now, my Consciousness would continue to exist, continue to be ME, continue to do whateva' it wants to do. I'd still be there, I'd still be me, I just wouldn't have a body. I wouldn't have a mind.

This Consciousness, my mind reminds me, is Source. It is God, the All-Knowing, All-Loving, Unconditional Is-Ness that exists through all of time and space and all dimensions in between. It is All That Is and then some. It is eternal, and it can't be comprehended by the mind. It can only be felt by the heart.

All this was racing through my mind and then my heart today as I simply stood at the kitchen sink, doing dishes. It became one of those ordinary-yet-strange moments. I stared down at a collection of soap bubbles gathered together atop a cup of water, and I sensed within myself the God-ness of my consciousness watching all the soap bubbles "from above" and accepting all that is, all that played out on the bubble scene, all bubbles that floated or moved or popped or shimmered as I observed from above. And I practiced unconditional love for each and every bubble, and knew that each bubble was a physical form of something Greater, something timeless and immeasurable and perfect, and something that could do no wrong but could only go about being itself and expanding itself and playing about on the physical level for the fun of it and the experience of it and all the growth that was to be had.

I was playing the role of the God that lives within me, and within each being. It was profound in its own personal, meaningful, meaningless, nominal, enormous way.

My mind could just about wrap itself around the concept of all things being perfect in their own way, of the quiet perfection of the seemingly imperfect, and always incomplete, physical. My mind could sense the space between *it* and my *consciousness.*

I spent more time during the day simply noticing my Consciousness existing, and my Mind interpreting. My Consciousness is like a child who wakes up in the morning, giddy for the experience of life, and impervious to the myriad things that so many adults have labeled as "wrong" or "bad." An innocent child -- and thereby, the Consciousness that is truly who I Am -- does not notice a "messy" house; "bad" weather; or even things as concrete as air "pollution." An untainted child accepts all as it simply is, and, when undisturbed, can go about the day in a perfectly pleasant, content, joyful manner, until an adult comes along and teaches that child to *feel* bad about a so-called messy room or to notice how *icky* the amazing, God-sent rain feels on a damp day. That is where the mind enters the scene and paints the walls of the Consciousness whatever color it's been taught to use. It's the mind's perception on the world - maybe the mind puts on rose-colored glasses or maybe it creates a cloud of darkness that hovers over all - but whatever it is, it's separate from who We Are, from our Consciousness. From our SELF.

My mind is understanding the limits it has, and accepting the simple fact that it has limits to begin with, when compared to Source. When this body dies, the mind cannot go on, but I do. My Self, my Consciousness, my Pure, Joyful, Enthusiastic Love for Life will be wide awake, like a child jumping out of bed in the morning, expectant that all things unfolding will be - and can only be - as exuberant and joyful as the very being that I Am on the true inside. My self. My soul. My heart.

But in the meantime, while I *am* here on this planet, enjoying this physical existence, basking in the physical warmth of the sunshine and enjoying the deliciousness of food and drink, I get to take care of my body, enjoy the existence of other beings incarnated into physical form, ride this rollercoaster that we here call "LIFE" and take it for all it's worth.

We are here to grow, enjoy, learn, love, laugh, heal, help, support, enlighten, bask, stretch, reach, GO. We are here to Do. Let's. Let's do and live and enjoy and never take our minds too seriously. Our mind is here to serve us, not to make us servants.

Let's live from the heart and be Joy. Have fun. Trot about. Do whatever. But most of all, let's never take anything the mind preaches too seriously. It can't give us the meaning of life or the answers to the big questions; all it can offer is food for thought. And REAL life tastes so much better than that.

• My Own Version: Listen, Pray, Eat

My last post was about listening. It was written quickly, and briefly, because someone close and dear to me mentioned that I kept interrupting when she was talking. I don't know who was "right" or "wrong" in this particular conversation -- if I was right for interrupting to say my piece, or if she was right for insisting I wait until she was finished what seemed like a very long story to me, but either way, it didn't matter. She wasn't feeling heard. That was the issue that I saw as most important. I truly wish to listen, hear and feel when one speaks; I wish to honor their story, honor their Being.

A while back, I did several several weeks of an Eckhart Tolle-inspired meditation class. For one part of the class, we were partnered up, and the instructor gave us a topic or question to discuss (such as "Describe an event in the past week when you felt frustrated") and we took turns speaking about the event while our partner truly TRULY listened. The person listening wasn't to say anything at all until the person speaking finished. The listener was only to be still, look into the speakers eyes, and listen with their heart.

If you ever try that with someone, I warn you - it's a practice that can bring one or both people to tears. It's very powerful to speak and be heard, or to be the listener of someone speaking from the heart.

You can ask a question as simple as: "What did you eat for breakfast today?" And if you are the one answering, the beauty of having a person truly listen to you can be absolutely breathtaking, humbling and revealing. If you are the one listening, anything the speaker says echoes throughout your whole being, yet doesn't contaminate you in any way. There's no residue of anger from a past experience, or leftover, aberrant frustration from a story about something that just couldn't work out the way the person wanted it to.

Instead, when speaking and listening with an open heart, every single word is cradled with compassion, love, and understanding, -- and the simple allowing to simply BE, without judgment.

So where is this all leading now, and why is this post titled Listen, Pray , Eat?

Because, for starters, *I* need to be heard right now. I need to speak in a way that comes from my heart, with unconditional love, and expecting and needing nothing in return. I need to speak and act from the center of my being, as I know that if I speak from my heart, then nothing can ever be misunderstood.

Much of what I have to say isn't even with words. It needs to be spoken with actions, with inner stillness, with prayer and intention.

Here is one simple example: Tonight, several of us went out to dinner - something we do about once a month. In all honesty, going out to dinner these days brings me to tears out of utter sadness. My mind can analyze the entire situation and realize that the food on my plate is most likely from mistreated animals; is covered in a sauce containing vegetables that have been genetically modified and are harming our Mother Earth; and isn't honoring organic practices.

Despite this knowledge my mind dwells upon, I attempt to enjoy the experience as it is, in the Now, without the story of where the food came from, what it's cost our environment, and what animals may have been poorly treated so that I could sit there and have a meal. To simply, mindlessly enjoy the flavors, scents, textures, good company, and the fact that I could relax while another made the meal, served it, and cleaned up afterward.

As I now reflect back on the agony I felt with that meal in front of me earlier tonight, a few things have made themselves clearer: If I want to go out, and enjoy such a meal, I need to speak from the heart, as if the whole universe is listening with its heart, and bless the food, the animals, the vegetables, the farmers, the restaurant servers and cooks, the company behind the GMO vegetables on our plates -- everything in front of me -- so that I am at true peace before entering into the actual consumption of the meal.

To do this, for me, I need to do the following: When my food arrives, I need to cup  both hands lightly, palm down, and put them over my plate of food; close my eyes; and bless and thank everything I can think of and not think of that was and will be involved in bringing that plate of food to me. And I need to do that for every plate of food on the table. I do not need to be loud about the gratitude - I can speak quietly or even silently - but I need to be very, very clear about my gratefulness, so that it reverberates across time and space and reaches every person, machine and corporation that the single plate of food reaches back to. (I must clean on the food, as Dr. Ihelakala Hew Len would say.)

I have considered that doing this will probably bring me to tears at the table in the restaurant, but I do not have a choice, really, if I want to feel clear and help heal the planet. And I *must* be clear and help heal the planet, Mother Earth, nature, our world. It is far to precious to let fall uncared for.

And this simple act will also heal me. I am constantly clearing my own self, and part of that clearing means not burying emotions anymore, not letting things sit and fester unspoken or unheard. I can not always find the right words in a heated situation to adequately express an argument in the right way;  for example, I can't sit in a restaurant and convince the patron next to me that eating GMO corn is simply "wrong" if he or she truly believes it is "right"; but I can allow myself to fully feel the sadness that the thought of GMO corn elicits in me, and I love the emotion and let it be and simply bless and love the GMO corn on my neighbor's plate with all my heart and being so that, again, I turn around my own scary, sad, angry feelings revolving around someone fucking with Mother Earth, and transform it into love and light, in which there is no dark opposite, no right/wrong choices, no good or evil vegetable-modifying empires.

By honoring and loving my own emotions about such situations, I heal my Self and, by virtue of my own physical existence, Mother Earth.

Peace, peace out.

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• Inner Peace, a.k.a. Losing One's Mind

Among all the spiritual teachings I've come across in my journeying, Eckhart Tolle's have stood out to be, for me, the leader of the pack. He's like the quiet torch-bearer of peace in a loud and noisy world. Among the energy-moving din of OMing, chanting, crystal-bowl playing and tribal drumming, he silently raises energy by simply exuding the presence of a true Master in the flesh. He teaches inner peace simply by Being it.

I've read all his books, watched several videos of him and attended meditation classes that feature audio recordings of his as part of their practice. All of it is uplifting and healing. All of it helps me practice my own mind-quietness. All of it teaches presence.All of it shows you how you can consciously quiet the mind, let Being take over, and simply Exist.

Eckhart has been my true teacher of how to "actively" achieve of inner stillness.

But then, I learned, there is actually *another* way one can quiet the mind. One can have a stroke.

Yep, a stroke.

It sounds extreme - and isn't something you consciously intend - but the story told here by neurologist Jill Bolte Taylor, MD, - who HAD a stroke and lost the capacities of her left (read: thinking/logical) side of her brain - occurred to me as simply another explanation of what presence IS.

Presence is the joy that happens  when you really, truly and honestly shut up that damn chatty left side of the brain. It is, in a sense, losing your logical mind, and letting the creative, intuitive, conceptual, free right-side reign.

Keep the concept of presence in mind, and watch to Jill's story, and then take a listen to her NPR interview after. It's truly some amazing insight into the mind, the spirit, and where the two intertwine and divide.

• Her Presentation on TED: http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html
• Her Interview on NPR: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91861432

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• Really Cool Video: "We Become 2012"

This is a beautiful video I stumbled across. The A/V quality is a little 'eh' but the singing bowls interspersed with this person's talking is soooooo soothing. Makes me want to acquire my own collection of singing bowls:


We become 2012 from kedarvideo on Vimeo.

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• Greeting the New Year

As 2011 awaits before me, I am ready. I can see clearly now that the past few months I have been lining everything up, and that now is the perfect time to really step into action. Here's what my actions are for 2011 as to how I am raising my vibration, helping humanity, and healing this planet in the process.

To begin with, my life is a bit of a walking meditation, and I have begun focused meditation in small blocks of time throughout the day, whenever possible. During these meditations, I become still and breathe in love and joy, clarifying visions of peace, and feeling the Oneness of Source and All that Is.

Second, I am clearing clearing clearing as I go about my day's activities. The easiest method is Ho'oponopono. I keep the "I love you, please forgive me, thank you, I'm sorry" chatter going as I take care of the children, run errands, clean the house, play, nurse my young baby - whatever. I'm aware of it all and the feeling behind the words. It feels very cleansing to keep the chatter going in the patter of words that most applies to where I'm at. Sometimes it becomes a series of "I'm sorry, very very sorry. It's almost tragic, yes I'm sorry." Other times, I find myself thanking a situation profusely. It's been very healing and very cleansing to keep these words silently on the tip of my tongue.

And in the midst of all the focused, serious meditation and clearing, I am inspired every day to take on some form of Dance. Dance is my unhindered, free, self-expression of pure joy and ME-ness. It allows Source energy to take form in the special way that only I can channel through dance and music combined.

Interspersed  among these actions are dozens of opportunities to practice patience, unconditional love, forgiveness, kindness, and service to others. There are aspects here that I want to work more on, but that will come in time. As I reinforce my solid foundation of meditation, clearing, and dance, it will all come together perfectly, as only the Universe can orchestrate.

Peace to all, and happy new year. Thank you for being here, to share this journey together.

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• Ending 2010 on a High Note

Among all this discussion on raising my vibration, it was most interesting to stumble across this video on a "child" who raised his own vibration by entering into a years' long meditation. The video starts here and has 5 parts:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v29clGMWU84

THIS is raising your vibration to the nth degree!! Wow. Definitely something to really consider as we enter 2011 and a new year with new goals and intentions.

Happy new year everyone! I'm off now to celebrate 2011! Peace out.

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